


In mutual understanding

by Anonymous



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Milluki centric, Oneshot, Sorta sad, because there are like three fics about him in the whole fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28742358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Relationships have always been a difficult affair in the Zoldyck household, Milluki reflects.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26
Collections: anonymous





	In mutual understanding

Milluki's favorite sibling is, and likely always will be Illumi. 

He has a certain softness for his socially inept brother. For however blunt he is, he constantly proves himself to be the most reliable of his siblings— and potentially the only one who can stand to listen to fucking directions. It doesn't hurt that Illumi also tends to be the only one who keeps him updated as to the ongoings of current missions and events.

He's never stated this aloud of course, but it's still just as true. If Illumi ever heard that he had a favorite sibling, he'd be upset at the very notion of Milluki prioritizing one family member over the other. Screw an earful, Illumi would have an entire lecture ready for him if his secret ever got out. And he'd deliver it all while ignoring his own obvious favoritism for Killua. Hypocrite.

If Killua could find a favorite sibling in Alluka, then Milluki could have his own, couldn't he? Although he loved Illumi the most, Kalluto gave him some tough competition at times.

There had always been a stronger sense of kinship with Kalluto, them both being the overlooked siblings. They forever seemed left out of the loop on the fantastical adventures the rest of the family seemed preoccupied with. Killua would start a chase, dragging Alluka after him, and then their parents would sic Illumi on the both of them like a dog while Zeno monitored in amusement. News rarely got around to either of the two of them until long after the chase had ended.

Milluki didn't mind much. Nineteen years of practice had taught him to shut up and sit down. It made him learn to be comfortable in obscurity. At least when the entire family was inevitably slaughtered by some break in finally gone right, he reasoned, he'd be spared. He'd be safe, completely forgotten. It was a guilty pleasure of a thought.

But Kalluto, only twelve years in the running, was still searching for the validation Milluki had long since given up on. It was a cruel process, the slow death of hope, and it was one Milluki tried to stay indifferent of as he watched his youngest brother struggle through it. The process was so common it might as well have been a coming of age ceremony for every Zoldyck.

He was always desperate for scraps of affection. Like a starving dog lingering underneath table tops no matter how many times it was kicked. Accepting the fact that father wasn't likely to love a child other than Killua, he searched for love in his older siblings.

But Illumi was too busy and too cruel to give it to him. Too often he was out on missions or dragging Killua back home by the scruff of his neck. Those who got his love knew it was colored black and blue, because after so many years of suffering the wires between violence and affection had gotten crossed in his head. It was too hard to squeeze affection from someone as selfish as Killua. Constantly running off and leaving everyone else to clean up his mess. Leaving the throne and his family and home, he had no problem leaving Kalluto starved of the approval of an older brother. It was understandable that he often refused the affection of Illumi, which was colored like dark bruises and blood, but he seemed to extend it to most of the rest of the family too. He was spoiled, and greedy with his love. A dragon upon a hoard, and Alluka was the only one allowed near. And Alluka? Hell, he'd be surprised if she even knew the names of any of her brothers besides Killua.

But what about Milluki? It was a simple question. Who would want the tainted love of the family disappointment? The mistake, the accident who would have never been born had their parents simply taken a few more precautions.

So kalluto spent most of his time starving in their mother's lap. Licking up residual love from a woman whose heart had shrivelled up a long time ago. Poisoned inside and out by the Zoldyck name. She might have been sweet once, but Milluki's earliest memories are faint and lying things. And that was long before Kalluto was born anyways.

Still, Kalluto sometimes crept to his room in the rare times he was strong enough to pry himself from their mother's side. He asked him questions about the outside world he'd never been allowed to visit, and ate junk food mother would never let him have, and played games he'd never heard of. Because Milluki was a mistake, but he was not cruel enough to deny a hungry child. Not one desperate enough to come to him for comfort.

"What were things like when you were younger?" Kalluto sometimes asks. Because he can only remember the times of a broken family. Times of Illumi never being home and Killua always running away. Of Alluka being locked up and of mother constantly crying and screaming.

Milluki likes to tell him of the better times.

"Well, when Illumi was little, momma used to dress him up in kimonos just like you," he says. "And he taught me how to dance."

The disbelief was palpable in his voice. "Illumi can dance?"

Milluki shrugs. "Mom insisted it was something every proper gentleman needed to know how to do; or something like that. He tried to teach Killua too but the brat never caught it."

"Well then, what was Killua like," Kalluto asks shyly, "when he was little?" And it's clear he knows very little about the elusive heir of the family. Who's forever out on some adventure.

Milluki paused at that for a moment— lost. Killua all but popped into existence around the age of one; after Alluka had been born and mom's priorities shifted to the newest arrival. Even then he had been a ghost around the house, with dad constantly snatching him up for training and preaching that he needed as little outside influence as possible— like they didn't already live on top of a fucking mountain. He honestly didn't have many memories of a tiny Killua until the brat was ten or so. And then he was cursing out their parents and disobeying them at every opportunity possible.

"He was interesting," was all he could manage. 

Kalluto nods somberly, but doesn't let on that the answer was anything less than what he expected. "Oh. I suppose Illumi would know better, correct?"

Miluki snorted. "What? No. Illumi hated him when we were kids."

Kalluto looked like he'd been slapped. "What do you mean?"

"It just. . .took a while for him to warm up to Kil. He avoided him like the plague until he was like, three."

"Really?" His eyes are intent on Milluki, like he actually believes he would lie about something as stupid as this.

"Those were different times. Illumi used to be different." Milluki replies, not giving him much to go on.

Truth was, Illumi had been nearly an entirely separate person before he learned to hide his emotions and be a perfect little doll. Back then he had love to share; the soft, gentle kind. And he had hate too.

It was a vivid memory for Milluki, being six years old and standing in the doorway of the nursery as he watched Illumi hold a pillow over a tiny Killua's face. The details of Illumi's expression as it contorted into a mask of wild grief and rage would forever be burned into his memory. Only eleven yet already filled up with so many big feelings crammed into his too small body. Milluki kept watch of the hallway, making sure no butlers were coming and that Killua's nursemaid stayed unconscious on the floor. An emotion halfway between excitement and fear buzzed cold beneath his skin.

It was sick and twisted in a way, but it was the last true moment of kinship he had felt with his older brother. The last time they had truly shared like brothers. And then Illumi lifted the pillow— too early, too soon, goddammit he wasn't doing it _hard enough_ — and began to cry. 

It's the only time he remembers seeing him cry.

"I can't do it," Illumi had wept, too young, with hands too unsteady, and a heart one size too big. Before the dirty world had a chance to turn him into something completely monstrous. "He's my brother, same as you. Brothers don't hurt each other."

Brothers didn't waltz into their older siblings' lives and steal everything they worked so hard to earn either, he had wanted to say. They didn't snatch the title of heir from their oldest, much more talented sibling just because they had stupid white hair and stupid blue eyes. Brothers didn't leave each other to rot in shadows of disappointment while they were praised for simply existing. But Milluki held his tongue.

"He didn't do anything wrong." 

And Milluki had wanted to say "neither did we".

Instead they both stumbled back to their separate rooms just as Killua began to cry, and that was the moment where they split paths. At the fork in the road, Illumi chose to let his resentment of Killua go, and Milluki. . .didn't.

In the morning their parents would chalk it all up to some mysterious, but unsuccessful assassination attempt and triple security. Only a year old with an attempt on his life already made, Milluki would joke later to try and cheer Illumi up.

But Illumi doesn't laugh. He learns to choke down jealousy and spends the rest of his childhood trying to make up for it. Personally training Killua, and helping him get away scot free after disrespecting dad, and sleeping with him when he has nightmares. All that burning hot rage gone lukewarm.

Milluki never quite learns how to do the same, but comes to live with the reality. Maybe he even becomes ever so slightly fond of Killua.

Maybe, in the end, he's happy that they were never able to go through with it. He would have been horribly deprived of someone to play video games with. Illumi is terrible at them.

In the Zoldyck household where everything turns murderous and relationships are ever complicated and increasingly destructive, Milluki and Killua grow to have a relationship almost like those brothers you see on tv. With the teasing and the fights and pranks on each other- but still still toleranting each other despite.

Of course it's twisted, because in the Zoldyck household, what isn't? When they get into fights, instead of scuffling on the living room floor, Milluki is slapping Killua around with whips and cowprods in the isolation chamber and Killua is stabbing him in turn. Pranks aren't so harmless as Killua triples the dosage of Milluki's poison regiment and laughs as Milluki spends the next week groaning in pain and coughing up blood. And then Milluki rigs his skateboard with miniature explosives. They don't apologize like the siblings in the tv shows, though, but Milluki's not sure if any siblings really apologize like that. He wouldn't know. Killua simply comes to his room, strawberry mochi and chocolate robots in hand, and asks if Milluki wants any. And they play video games.

They hate each other in an earnest way; in a way they don't try to hide, but respect each other in the same way too. There's no attempts to try and pretend to be close— there's but a mutual agreement. Milluki can never forgive him for ruining his life and becoming the favorite child, and Killua can never overcome their shared childhood filled with too much pain. But they are brothers.

And that means something, Milluki thinks. 

He tries to be a big brother to the rest of his siblings. But Alluka was locked away and Kalluto is chained by mom's side, on a leash so short it's a wonder he's able to breathe. And Milluki knows there's no doubt that when they think of their big brother, they think of Killua.

"We all change, don't we?" Kalluto says, so wise for his age. "If there was a time when Illumi hated Killua, then who's to say that Killua won't choose to come back one day?" he adds wistfully. The "and stay" part goes unsaid.

Milluki wants to tell him that people don't just change like that, but he doesn't. He's not sure why he doesn't; maybe he wants to focus on his video game instead of explaining the inherent cruelty of life to a naive child, maybe he just wants some brotherly brownie points. But he doesn't.

He just shrugs, and maybe he's thinking about a kinder world when he says; "Miracles do happen."

**Author's Note:**

> Milluki doesn't get much love, from the anime or the fandom so I wanted to explore his relationships with his siblings in this.


End file.
